khazzy's Diaryland Diary

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Pain....

Well, today started as a fun happy day and it has ended as shite. Relationships are the pits. I never really talk about my so called relationship on here I guess because I just want to forget about it. It's like leaving your problems at home waiting for you until you get back, but in the meantime I can live a happy day and not think about them every single moment.

Well, I am married but not happily married. Am I in love? Yes. Is he in love with me? You would have to ask him.

Alcoholism is something awful to live with. Trust me on that one. He is intelligent, caring, sweet, lovable and responsible in his job (he is a lawyer) when he is not bending the elbow.

Why do I stay? I ask myself that question every day. I still don't have an answer. I love him yes, but somehow that just does not seem like a good enough reason for me to stay here, unhappy.

I used to be so different, my personality has changed, my habits, even my physical appearance. I try not to let it affect me but it always wins in the end. It's like a cancer that is moving in closer and closer causing chaos as it goes.

Funny, in my previous entry I wrote about making you're own destiny... and I of course believe in that completely. The problem for me does not lie on being in control of your destiny but, when you don't care what your destiny might end up being that you just don't work for a great one.

BuhBYe

5:57 pm - Monday, Jan. 14, 2002

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