khazzy's Diaryland Diary


The big D..... creeping in on me again

I have been slipping again... into depression that is. Unlike the amazing captain I know the reasons why. You can all take a good guess at it too, if you have read my diary that is. It has started all again, I don't know how people can live their lives with an alcoholic. They can say it's a sickness, that I should be patient, but man oh man, when it starts getting worse instead of better or just hitting a plateau it's really a challenge for me. I've been sleeping alone in my bed for the past three days and dammit, I don't like it. Or maybe I'm just scared because I'm getting used to it, and I think I like that even less.

I have tried to be upbeat with my everyday life, which is as boring as can be in the first place, trying to get everything organized so as not to succumb into the big D again, but I'm afraid is becoming a losing battle. I just feel like crying, which I have abstained from doing, for the most part.... just a few tears here and there, nothing major.

How I wish just to get away from it all, at least for a little while, but that is no good for me right now. I can't keep taking mini holidays just to come back to the same thing over and over again. In fact it makes me even more depressed to have a taste of peace of mind, fun and socialization and then just come back to reality... MY REALITY.


Ok, enough of that nonsense. I vented, that's good I guess.

So I watched The Others for the first time and I really liked the movie. I must admit that it even made me kind of jumpy.... watching it all alone with the lights out and in my state of mind may have something to do with it, but I liked that feeling nontheless. That scared feeling I got when I was just a little munchkin and wanted to pee at night but it was all dark and quiet in the house, the way my heart beat a million times per second as I searched my way in darkness to relief (bladder relief that is :P)


Well, I liked the movie

~sticks out tongue~

I also rented Domestic Disturbance and Ocean's Eleven which I will watch today. I already saw Ocean's Eleven in the movie theater but I thought I'd watch it again without my friends asking me what was going on over and over again. I thought it was pretty easy to follow, I even figured out most of it without the explanation they gave afterwards. I must be gifted or something.


Well, this has been therapeutic for me, better go have some breakfast now, as my tummy is growling and demanding my attention.... sometimes it can be worse than my dog.

Oh yes, today is WI day at WW, maybe I'll feel better if I have lost at least another lb.

OK, now I'm really going. You should too.


~hugzs and kisses to all~

9:12 am - 16 May 2002


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