khazzy's Diaryland Diary



Life is supposed to be filled with pretty colors and once in a while you get a shade of black. Eventually you get that bright white light that gives you peace eliminating that black completely and the cycle starts again. It is beautiful, life, that is. But what happens when everything is gray? Just a bland color that permeates everything around you. Your emotions, your feelings, your sensations. Nothing gives you peace; nothing gives you comfort. Happiness is not but a memory, and a fading memory at that. To be content is only a joke. A false sensation of hope; hope that will never come. One just goes through life pretending everything is good, everything is right. As perfect as can be. Playing this charade is so exhausting. People don't understand, don't want to be bothered, don't want to see. As I sit here my pretty colors are gone, they're not back. Just shades of gray everywhere which are starting to fall into blackness. Blackness that is starting to take over, seeping in little by little as I pretend. I have to pull up my shield and let all but pass me by. "Be content", I say to myself. "Not everything is bad." But colors are not showing up in my life anymore, just gray. Numbness, bitchiness, hardness. My shield. Getting ready every morning to put on my mask, and my world is getting darker by the minute, by the second. My heart is nothing but shards that cut me at every beat, at every breath, at every movement. Nothing to show for myself, and the grays are here, keeping me company, getting darker, becoming my friends. Maybe it's too late to let those colors in. Maybe the grays and the slowly moving darkness have taken over for good. That sensation of not caring is more familiar every day. In a weird sense I need the darkness to, I need to feel the pain, the soreness, the desperation, the numbness. Ja! I need to feel numb. My life is a contradiction in itself. Here come the grays now to fill me up with nothingness.

11:38 pm - 23 July 2007


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